Minnesota Chronicles

Entry 1: 

I have forgotten all of my lipgloss. This is tragic and highly upsetting because the nearest VS is too far for a quick run. In a desperate attempt to maintain optimal lip moisture I have purchased $6 cherry Chapstick from the airport which seems to be having the opposite effect on my now painfully chapped lips. Logically I can only attribute this phenomenon to years of solely slathering thick shiny high-quality gloss to my kisser and they are now retaliating in protest to the cheap imposter. I am now concerned Katy Perry's hit song was a lie. 

In addition to my life with pampered lips I have discovered I have become used to entering small spaces and having the lights automatically illuminate. Since no such electrical prowess has been installed here I have found myself standing in the dark searching for the switch on several occasions. This may continue to be a challenge for my clearly conditioned behavior. Damn that Pavlov. 

I have, however successfully conquered day 2 of my nutritional cleanse despite M's relentless attempts to feed me tomatoes, cheese, and raisins though I believe this may have triggered a dream sequence wherein I subconsciously sabotaged myself by partaking in an Isa-shake blended with rum. I have concluded I am both hungry and possibly need to go to AA. 

Entry 2:

I have taken to using the lower level bathroom at R&L's house as it allows for an unabashed explosion of the plethora of cosmetics and beauty tools required to perform my daily routine. What I did not account for is the new hand-held shower head which I have tried in vain to situate at a height for optimal cleaning coverage while not spraying out the door. Feeling sure I had achieved the perfect height, I confidently jumped in only to find myself being pelted with water shooting with the force of a pent up geyser straight into my tired eyes. I am thankful for the aforementioned mass of cosmetics that will be required to mask what I am convinced will become a black eye. 

In addition to the aformentioned bathroom escapades; I am quite certain R may never re-enter his home after leaving for the day for fear he will get another eyeful of someone sitting upon the throne with the door wide open. I'm not sure who was more mortified. Probably him. 

Good news! I discovered a tube of lipgloss I had left on a previous visit. 

Entry 3: 

I am quite certain I don't know how I ever arrived at new destinations prior to cellphone GPS. Even with my little safetynet I managed to get lost in an apartment complex whist looking for a bistro. Were it not for my more than obvious "I'm lost" face and the grace of a sweet old resident I'm certain I'd still be walking around Prior Lake. Operation Surprise D was a huge success. She should turn 40 every year. 

Entry 4:

I received the strangest massage today. I'm fairly certain the therapist has a foot fetish and truth be told this really only works if both people share the affinity. Suffice it to say my pedicurist is now going to wonder why I show signs of PTSD when she puts cotton between my toes. 

Entry 5:

It is possible D now suffers from PTSD as well as there was an incident involving a bikini top and side boob; neither of which were her own. Also, we may be banned from the Galleria - and definitely Crave for for flaunting naked faces in public. We know this to be true from the judging looks bestowed upon us by the Lululemon wearing, Louis Vuitton toting, granola (and only granola) eating Housewives of Edina. 

Entry 6:

I fit in M's boxers. Comfortably. I consider this a double victory: 1) Size matters 2) In no other framily setting could I have paraded around in someone else's underwater and had it be perfectly acceptable.

Final Entry; 7:

Important observation: Once upon a time I was convinced saying goodbye would get easier with time. Time does not always work that way. Time does however offer perspective; I now know I'll gratefully say a thousand tearful goodbyes becuse they always begin with the most amazing hellos.